TMI.

Things with this pregnancy are starting to get a little more nitty gritty and, well, blunt. So if you don't care to read all about my cute little cervix, then feel free to stop here :)

I had an appointment with my OB/GYN today (feels like I'm always at one doctor or another these days). Since I've been having lots of contractions the past few days, although irregular, I decided to ask her to "check me" to see how my dilation is doing, or really just to see if I'm making any progress down there. I've heard you can be dilated to like, 3 cm, and still not deliver for weeks, but I just figured it would give me some peace of mind.

So she checked. I just kind of wish I'd known what I was getting myself into. I knew it was going to be invasive, but I did not anticipate the pain. But more than anything, I didn't expect to almost pass out just from having someone check my cervix. As soon as she was done, I was overcome with nausea and an intense cold sweat. I do not do well with nausea. They gave me something to take for it, and a couple glasses of water, and it eventually faded, but man, that threw me for a loop. She told me I was 80% effaced and 1 cm dilated. So at least I know that my body is definitely getting closer, which was comforting.

But all I could think was "If just having my cervix checked put my body into that kind of craziness, how on earth am I going to handle labor?!"

Needless to say, the rest of the day I was just... off. The past few days I've been super anxious about him coming, repeatedly saying "Come on bud, come on out! Let's do this!" but today I've been feeling the opposite. Labor is imminent. Within days now. And I can't stop it. It's just going to happen. And it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. And I don't feel ready.

I know that God will get me through it. I know my body was made for this. I know my husband will be there with me, cheering me on the whole way. I know everything is going to be okay... technically. But it's still terrifying. After how that "check" went, I'm going to feel so much anxiety every time they have to check me when I'm actually in labor. And what if the epidural doesn't work? And what if labor is like 3 days long? And what if I'm sick the whole time? What if I'm just a total baby and they have to like, tranquilize me just to get the baby out?

And what about recovery? How am I even going to walk after going through.. that? How are our bodies possibly capable of going from... that... to not getting any sleep and constantly feeding and caring for another? Am I ever going to NOT be exhausted?

Forgive me, I know this is all terribly negative, and should probably just be kept to my private journal. But let's be honest-- handwriting SUCKS when you don't do it very much. After about a paragraph I was just done. And just writing this out helps me.

I just need a hug... and maybe a tranquilizer.